


Unlocked Heart

by Littlevera



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-07
Updated: 2011-07-07
Packaged: 2017-10-21 03:15:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/220301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Littlevera/pseuds/Littlevera
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You know you cannot have Jim, that you have only the strength left for a friendship between you both.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unlocked Heart

Unlocked Heart

The music fades and in that beat of silence, your conversation with Jim pauses. You find yourself caught by him; in the loose-limbed sprawl in his seat opposite yours, his eyes so heavy-lidded and content. He stirs, leaning forward to rest his arms on the table and you look down, at the empty wine bottle between you. You hear a soft chuckle, before the rest is drowned out by the sultry jazz filling the room, and all you can think is he knows how much you like looking at him and you feel overwhelmed in his presence like this. You watched him cook dinner for you earlier, looking at him to your heart’s content. It should have been enough, but it never is.

You did not expect him to wait for you to be ready for him. That thought still surprises you, before the weight of the locket around your neck registers, a reminder of what you have loved and lost. The truth you have not shared or admitted to yourself is that you do not know if you ever will be.

He begins to drum his fingers against the table; you have watched them grow thick and calloused over these past years, but they follow the strains of jazz unerringly. The changes in them have become markers of his time away from you and you try your best to stifle the possessiveness that courses through you at that thought. You ask about the music and swallow thickly as you imagine you can feel every link of the chain around your neck.

The music choice is another difference to add to the lists you keep; a list of bittersweet memories, nothing more. Jim smiles, a small secret smile, before he responds. You find yourself grateful for the change in direction of the conversation. You know you cannot have him, that you have only the strength left for a friendship between you both. You ignore how you ache at the thought.

He regales you with his short-lived career as a groupie for a jazz band; the lead saxophone player was beautiful, he explains, and a small part of you, that you would prefer didn’t exist shrinks just a little in the face of that revelation. You know what you are not compared, to Jim; you know what you were once long ago and that Jim does not care. Part of you does; part of you wants to be that young Vulcan who did not know yet the depths of love and loss that you do. Jim chuckles at something in his story and you smile accordingly though you have no idea what he said. You reach for the locket around your neck before you catch yourself and pretend to scratch the side of your neck instead. He knows you wear the locket, he knows what the message within it says, but now Jim gives no indication that he is aware of what you were reaching for.

The music curls around you and you feel impossibly bare before Jim’s heavy-lidded gaze. There is no mistaking the desire in him for you and it scares you how much it makes you feel. You are supposed to be beyond such emotion, but Jim is gravity, drawing you in despite your attempts to resist. He wants you and everything that comes with you and … you know if you give in there will be no way out for you. He will be the end of you.

His eyes are hopeful now and you look away. The music rises, like the heat in your cheeks. You thank him for the dinner invitation, neatly ignoring that you returned to Earth at his request so he could spend his leave with you. His eyes narrow, the blue harder and you cannot bear to see what you have caused. You rise, the chair scraping along the floor harshly. The locket swings against your chest and you try to ignore it as you fill the silence with small talk, something you have perfected. You can feel his eyes on you from the dinner table as you keep your back to him. To face him now would be to face his anger, his love and you cannot. You make a show of examining the living room and it’s eclectic mix of furniture; something between what a Starfleet cadet might have, mixed with more expensive additions borne out of receiving a paycheck. You fill the silence with talk of your work at the Vulcan Embassy, of your impending meetings with Komack and your plans to meet with Sarek tomorrow. You circle the room, looking through the odd assortment of collectibles he has gathered and pretend you didn’t see them when you first arrived. You resist the urge to touch the locket through your robes, but you cannot resist the blanket of grief that settles on your shoulders. It would be easy to walk away if all you saw was a man who reminded you of your lover, long since passed. But, you know that what you feel is so much more.

You know you will soon run out of things to say so you remind him that you have much to do the following day. You turn back to the dinner table and thank him for a lovely meal as if sharing dinner is all this evening was supposed to be. Your thanks is perfunctory, but you cannot stop yourself.

His voice is cold when he interrupts you and as much as that stings, the ultimatum is most unexpected. Why is friendship not enough for him? How can he expect you to leave and never return?

You watch as he rises from his seat, his chair pushed back smoothly. You feel like prey as he stalks across the room to you and you are certain you can feel the heat of his body when he stops before you. You want to close your ears, your mind and your heart to his words. You know it was an invitation to be more than just friends; it was an invitation to a beginning. You most certainly don’t need to be reminded that you accepted. Jim’s anger burns and you feel shame for the first time in far too long.

You do not want to hear how much he loves you; how much your time together has meant to him. You do not want to hear how much he wanted to return to you after each mission. You will never tell him how much you wanted the same and how afraid you were every time he did return, it would be with someone else who held his heart.

You do not know what to say, so you let your silence speak for you. You cannot begin to explain that he makes you feel lost, adrift as he shatters the boundaries of your carefully ordered world.

You do not resist when he presses his lips to yours. It is messy and hard, but soon you taste dinner and wine and you cannot help responding. You revel in the deepness of the kiss; his arms around you pulling you close.

It would be so easy to lose yourself in him and that stray thought breaks the moment, makes you pull away. His anguish is palpable and you cannot refute his accusation that your fear controls you. He knows you fear what could be between you both, but he does not understand why.

He does not understand what it is to lose; he cheats death and bends rules to his will and you know that he will fall one day; fail to cheat death and you will lose him. You turn to leave for you cannot stand the sight of his face any more, the pain and confusion there. You know you have taken from him and given nothing in return; you knew it could not last. You grip the old fashioned door knob, turning it before he calls you a coward and you stop. He spins you around and your head thumps against the door as you let him. He is beautiful and certain of your emotion for him. You do not have the heart to argue, to resist when he kisses you again. It does not last long, for he ends it with an expression of understanding on his face. You flinch when he presses his hand to your chest, over where the locket sits.

He has seen the message and known you have not been parted from it in over 90 years. You know he has not loved someone so completely as you have; he has not risked what you have and been left with nothing but grief in the end.

He steps into your embrace, settling his head on your shoulder and you shiver at how well you fit together. He promises to never willingly leave you; he promises he will never let you go.

You know those are empty promises.

He confesses his love for you and he promises to love you for the rest of both your lives. Your heart hurts and your resolve crumbles. You know this man will consume you if you let him…but how can you not?


End file.
